There was a time when self-help, especially online, meant actually improving your life in some form. Now, most advice falls into the category of “protecting your peace”. From The Let Them Theory to the concept of ‘you don’t owe anyone anything’, advice on bettering yourself means cutting off your inner world. And at face value, the advice does have some merit. It was a way to give power back to the self, to finally make that step towards cutting off toxic, abusive behaviours. But now, how much of it is just anti-social behaviours, killing our communities and furthering our isolation?
Protecting our peace stems from the idea of letting people go if they don’t fulfil our lives the way we want to, ergo establishing that being alone is far superior than dealing with messy relationships. But the reasons to let someone go range from completely valid to outright ridiculous. What was advice to help us distance ourselves from people who were actively causing us harm is now being used to cut off anyone and everyone who is “doing us dirty”. Now you could potentially be cut off for declining an invite, expressing disagreement, or even talking about your ex for too long. Reasons may vary, and they might have no logic to them apart from “protecting my peace”.
It is a concept that can only truly happen in a modern era. In Zygmunt Bauman’s book Liquid Modernity, Bauman explains how society has transformed from a solid and stable structure to a fluid, melting like liquid. From products to institutions to relationships, everything is shifting to become more unstable. While this gives us freedom as we break longstanding social norms, it also gives us uncertainty and increased anxiety. When we cut off people in order to protect our peace, we further participate in liquidating our society and our inner world.
The issue is, by doing so, we are tailoring our social circle to become one-dimensional. Yes, we’re not leaving any room for drama, but we’re also not leaving any room for messiness, and humans are notoriously messy. The reality is that most relationships will bring in conflict, and that’s healthy! It’s what allows us to grow, to reflect on ourselves and see parts of us that we would never realise. By relying on conflict avoidance, not only are we leaving no room for others to be human, we inadvertently abandon ourselves from self-improvement. We lose the art to practice emotional maturity, to exercise compassion, empathy, compromise, and forgiveness. And instead, we fall into a cycle of isolation and cynicism, diligently looking out for new flaws in others.
This, in turn, has cracked our community, turning on self-reliance instead of social support. While we protect our peace as a form of keeping ourselves healthy, social isolation is more dangerous than we realise. It can lead to depression and anxiety, decline our cognitive function, and weaken our immunity. The realisation hasn’t set in because our reliance on digital spaces has masked our need for physical community. Social media offers a virtual community where you can engage in parasocial relationships with just about anyone. This virtual space can make us feel that we’re not alone, or that being alone is enough. However, it cannot replace a fully fledged social network.
The phrase “protecting my peace” needs an extension: “with discernment”. While we absolutely should cut off those who are toxic to us, we also need to discern on what is truly toxic behaviour. We need to do the hard work of having difficult conversations, nurturing relationships instead of tossing them out because one-off bad behaviour does not equate to being a bad person.
Paradoxically, the one thing I love more than spending time with my loved ones is spending time alone. Cafes, movies, art galleries, you name it, I will happily spend a solo date quietly observing or people watching. Occasionally, I make a new friend on the way, turning a solo date into a group adventure. Being alone can have its benefits. But like everything in life, it needs moderation; with every solo date, there’s a girls’ night. We can absolutely protect our peace (with discernment!) while also occasionally letting it go for the benefit of an improved relationship and community well-being.
